Follow my blog with Bloglovin If you follow me on Instagram and/or Twitter, you may have seen me sharing some pictures of a farewell party a couple days ago. And in case that wasn’t clear – since I wrote those captions on a terrible hangover-induced […]
Tag: self love
This is going to be a big one, so bear with me!
Something quite strange happened the other day: one of my childhood best friends (Raíssa, my queen) messaged me on Facebook telling me about how she was loving the blog, loving my posts, and how she was looking forward to reading more from me. Weird, right?
Before I started the blog I planned content for a while, I have a whole schedule of posts for the next two months, a list of ideas to use whenever something comes up (the Virgo rising in me and my Virgo sun mother would be so very proud). But then last night, as I had just come home last night from a great relaxing weekend with my dad, I simply didn’t want to write about the topic I had picked for today. I tried thinking about other topics and then some others, and then some more. Until I realized I didn’t want to write about anything.
As I was talking to a friend of mine (shout out Marcy, I know you’re reading this), asking her what she wanted to read and topics I could discuss, it hit me why. Because I was doubting my ability to write about anything. My ability to write, period. I kept thinking I haven’t had enough experience to write about stuff, I don’t know enough people, haven’t visited enough places, haven’t had enough problems or overcame enough diseases. Nothing that happened to me yet was enough. Aka I was ran over by a bad case of our friend – the impostor syndrome.
If the name sounds a bit odd, I assure you: you have experienced this before.
But Jules, how would you know?
Because I know, friends. I’m a witch, I know. I am also a freaking millennial, as much as I hate the term. And a woman. And plus size, on top of all that. And, unfortunately, us ladies are still to this very day raised to doubt we can do something other than be mothers and take care of others. As if those were easy tasks, am I right? I’m gonna have my mom come here in the future, tell some people like it really is. In any case… I’m also entering adult life in between a generation that was still being forced into college and into knowing what they wanted to be by the time they were fifteen, and another one that has started careers out of their hobbies so very easily. I was right in the middle, the kid that had to go to college but was also raised by loving parents that understood passion was important. Which let me tell you, helped a great deal. I’d be so much worse if things had been different, you guys. LIKE SO MUCH WORSE.
Once again, I digress.
According to Scientific America, impostor syndrome is “a pervasive feeling of self-doubt, insecurity, or fraudulence despite often overwhelming evidence to the contrary”. You see it now, don’t you? That moment when you doubted yourself even thought everyone was telling you not to? That A you got in a test after studying hard and still kept telling yourself you were just lucky? That job opportunity you dismissed because you were so sure you couldn’t handle what they wanted you to do, that hottie that smiled at you at the bar and you looked away because it simply couldn’t be directed to you… Should I go on?
That message from my old friend kept playing in my head like a broke record and all I could think of was “is she just being nice?”
“What the hell is happening here?”
“This can’t be real.”
And when I thanked her and she complimented me again! What the freak was going on?
Then Marcy complimented me as well. And then one of my best friends (Juquinha, I love you), and then my mom (I know, I know).. And then my dad told me he was even using Google Translate to read my stuff! And a friend today DMed on Instagram just to tell me she was in love with my accent (Yas <3)! And my cousin did too (Carol, shout out to you as well, you’re the bomb!). And one of my oldest friends left me a heartfelt comment on my last post (Bel, you’re such a queen, I miss you)! And trust me, this is not a bragging list. This is a shocked Juliana list.
So I stopped, I read all those comments again and I thought: are they all being nice at the same time or do they genuinely like my work? And you guys know what I realized? The latter was the most probably option.
Sometimes the entire world is going to tell you that you can’t do something, that you’re not enough or that there is someone better already doing it. I mean, sweet Hercules, if I was to quit blogging because there are thousands of other bloggers out there, I wouldn’t even have started CBC! Sometimes you are going to tell yourself that kind of shit, over and over, and you’ll believe what you’re saying. But let me tell you weirdo, if you stop filling your own ears with bullshit you’ll start learning some pretty interesting stuff. Like how other people admire you, how your work changes someone’s life, how you make others laugh or even how, for a moment, you said something that hurt someone initially but that made them learn something new.
If you’re a beach born child like me and you got on the road often, going from high altitudes to low quite frequently, you’re familiar with that “clogged” ears sensation, right? Science world, please come tell me how it is truly called. For now we’re going with clogged ears. But think about that sensation, how you keep opening and closing your mouth, trying to pop your jaw to see if it goes away. How it muffles the sound of other people’s voices and the music in the car’ stereo. Now imagine impostor syndrome as that sensation, that freaking barrier between you and the true form of a beautiful sound. And now picture that DELICIOUS feeling you get when your ear is clean and free and you can hear everything again, how everything sounds much better, how you even get a shiver running down your spine from that freedom such a simple thing bestows upon you. Doesn’t that sounds pretty awesome, my dear weirdo? That is the exact feeling you get when you kick impostor syndrome and self doubt to the curb.
It’s not easy shutting down that inner voice, I know that. But why is listening to it so freaking feasible, so comfortable? If you love something, if you dedicate yourself to it, you are one hundred percent capable of achieving it, even when sometimes you have to adapt a few things.
I have homework for you now, kid. Every time someone compliments you this week you are going to smile, take a deep breath and say a big, reverberating THANK YOU. And believe them! Believe in yourself! And say something nice back!
And if the little voice insists on talking shit in your head, you very politely turn to it and scream FUCK YOU!
Liberating, am I right?
Go into my comments and tell me something everyone always complimented about you and only now you’re starting to believe. And also which tricks to you use to shut down the inner party pooper in your head.